As I mentioned, the next step in the treatment process is to have an MRI performed which will show status on the brain tumor post-radiation/chemo. The obvious desired outcome is to observe shrinkage but in 90% of the cases the tumor either maintains the same state/configuration as before the treatment started or grows. My brain tumor is 25cc GTV or gross tumor volume. This means it is approximately 3.5cm or the size of a golf ball to put it in terms we can all envision easily. Surrounding the tumor is
edema, or swelling which accounts for another cm or so. When looking at the radiation treatment plan, the IMRT portion of the treatment (5 of the 6 weeks) focused on an area that was 7.5cm in diameter. This is a fairly wide area but that was obviously by design – a Grade 3 tumor is infiltrative by nature so you need to build margin into the plan to anticipate the stray cells or “fingers” to the tumor that cannot be picked up via imaging technologies.
On Monday, October 1st I will have an MRI at around Noon. I will ask for my films (and a CD as I always do – for me of course) and I will hand-carry everything to an appointment at 3pm with my medical oncologist and neurosurgeon. We will put the film up and see where we are at that point in time. It’s all in God’s hands. He already knows where this is going and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m doing what I need to do. I’m doing the research – handling the diet – the supplements that have proven to be beneficial, etc. etc. But in the end? You have to surrender it. The film, the tumor, how it looks, does it grow, is it the same, has it responded better than anyone could have ever imagined? It’s all in His hands. So, I need and have for the most part given it up.
I have always struggled with turning everything over to God. I try to and for the most part I can. But it’s like a ping-pong match. I’ll turn it over and surrender it but then my own way and will wants to rise to the surface and I’ll take it back. Turn it over, take it back and so on. It’s human nature really. But, to the extent I can realize and accept that I am not in control of this, and I am not, I am at peace. It’s worth remembering and really internalizing the Serenity Prayer here and the wisdom that comes out of this prayer! Accept the things you cannot change, pray for the courage to change the things that you can actually change and, most importantly, pray for the wisdom to know the difference between things in life you can change and those that you cannot. Clearly a brain tumor and how I respond to therapies, how it evolves, etc is not something I can change so what choice do you have? You can clinch your teeth and tighten your fists and fight this thing all day and night and the outcome will be the same. And, while I am doing all of this I am not enjoying today – I am missing out some important things in life.
What’s important? What’s important for me now is my family. What’s important is seeing my boys grow up. My wife being happy. And it’s bittersweet sometimes. I enjoy it and it makes me happy and feel so alive to take pleasure in simple things that I may have overlooked before but at the same time I become overwhelmed with emotion sometimes – and no, I’m not afraid to admit it. Those days are long gone and if you’re ever faced with something like this you’ll know what I mean. My defenses are pretty much gone. Case in point – the other night a really nice thunderstorm rolled through here – it was the first rain in months and it was a loud thundering type of storm with large raindrops – you know the kind! My son Aidan was all excited about it and wanted to go out in the backyard “to get all wet”! Sure bud, go for it! As I’m holding Keegan, all of 2 months old and looking out the window, I see my son Aidan who is 5, running through the rain, spinning around in circles and stopping under the streams of water that roll off of the roof. He would sometimes look up and squint his eyes, open his mouth and stick his tongue out to catch the drops in his mouth but would then get a chill and start running again with a giddy, silly laugh. It was almost too much for me. My eyes welled up. Why? I started thinking about how much I love my son and how simple this whole scene was – how much it meant to me. But also, in the back of my mind, I also knew what was happening to me and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about my longevity and if that image was going to be the lasting image I would have of my son. It becomes confusing, satisfying, heartfelt and sad in an instant. It is hard to describe and I am not sure that I could type words here that would justify it. Suffice it to say that this was a moment that I tucked into my bag of moments to save forever and then immediately took the other thoughts about my condition and turned them over to God. Turning it over. My original point. This changes you. This makes you look at life through a very different lens. This has really turned my life upside down but in a certain way I kind of like it.
Ok, so I have the MRI set up and that isn’t for another few weeks. Certainly when that happens I will have a post here about it. As far as the break from the chemo and radiation, that has been great. I have been feeling a bit under the weather up until yesterday but I’m feeling pretty normal now. I’m going to take a middle of the night feeding tonight to give Rach a break, take Aidan to a birthday party tomorrow and carry on.
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Well, it’s been 8 weeks since I set foot in this building and I’m back to it! I have to say it feels good. I need some normalcy in my life and although I needed the time off to recuperate from my surgery and see how I was going to take to chemotherapy and radiation treatment, I was also needing to get back to having some structure in my life. I think Rachael and Aidan needed that as well. Tuesday was a big day – I went back to work, Aidan started school at a new school – Adventure Christian – and we started cutting back on our full time nanny which is significant for Rachael since she has had that help for the last 3 months or so, she has Keegan at home now and is taking Aidan to and from school.
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