Chemotherapy Strategy
Chemotherapy November 12th, 2007
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This weekend turned out no better than the last unfortunately. This notion of radiation recall is starting to fall to the wayside for me and I’m starting to believe that my condition is really attributed to chemotherapy. I’m now coming up on 5 weeks into this and although I feel like I should just be “gutting it out” and that everything should be going along fine, I am not feeling good and the weekend was not enjoyable. I can’t explain the feelings – food doesn’t taste good, sleep doesn’t help, I don’t feel like going out to places really – it’s a drag. Frankly, I’m tired of people asking me the question “how do you feel today?”. And it’s not because I don’t want them to! I appreciate everyone around me – my wife, my family – but I feel like a broken record at this point because although I had a brief period of feeling ok, I have generally not felt so good.
I’m giving this 7-day on / 7-day off regimen another 3 weeks which will be the blank week starting Thursday and one more week on and week off. If I feel like this through that period, we’re going to switch to a different regimen – probably look at the 5 days per month cycle. That regimen is a much higher dose but it’s for 5 days and you’re done. There are the drawbacks in terms of why I was doing the 7 on/off program with regard to survival rate but people have done the 5-day per month regimen as a standard of care for a long time and frankly, if I feel like this all the time and I need to do this for 6 months, there is no point to it because I am not enjoying my family right now. I know that the drug is important for my overall treatment. However, I’ve got to find a balance.
I’ll post more later but I’m tired and burned on talking about it. It does help to write it down though. I was talking to Rachael last night and there are times still when it is still surreal that you find yourself navigating through all of this. It’s not an avoidance technique at all, but it’s just another circumstance that puts it all in perspective and really shows you that in life, there are problems and struggles and then there are problems and struggles. These things just take time and have to be worked out. Health is something we take for granted I think. I know I did but now when I’m fighting this day in and day out, it’s a lot different. So, I need to strike a balance here and find the right treatment regimen that works for our lives.
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“I never forget that the tasks ahead of me are never greater than the power that I have behind me.”
These words that you wrote say it all. Never forget that God is walking right along with you. Sometimes it is such a struggle and we ask, Why? Why me? but know that the Lord never fails, never abandons, never stops loving you.
You have shown great courage and personal strength through all that you have gone through, lean on Him during those times when it gets too tough. Even if leaning on Him means giving him your frustration and anger, too. He can take it. And He can heal you.
Hold Fast – Mercy Me
To everyone who’s hurting
To those who’ve had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Please do not let go
I promise there is hope
Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He’s come to save the day
What I’ve learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp
So hold fast
Will this season ever pass?
Can we stop this ride?
Will we see the sun at last?
Or could this be our lot in life?
Please do not let go
I promise you there’s hope
You may think you’re all alone
And there’s no way that anyone could know
What you’re going through
But if you only hear one thing
Just understand that we are all the same
Searching for the truth
The truth of what we’re soon to face
Unless someone comes to take our place
Is there anyone?
All we want is to be free
Free from our captivity, Lord
Here He comes
Hold fast, friend.
I mentioned in my most recent post that some comments were deleted from the blog and I posted a reply here and it’s not here so I wanted to take a moment and respond. What I had said was first of all thank you so much for your kind words and prayers, friend. People like you are ministers of God and without those around me from my church, small group, friends family and here – well, there’s strength in numbers.
Secondly, the song – Hold Fast. In May and June of this year I played this song over and over to and from work with my eyes welled up each day. I wondered about my life – about my future, about how much time I had left – serious things and these lyrics and this song penetrated me and affected more than a song has in a long long time. And I’ll say that from the bridge to the end of the song is where this song is a conduit from the Lord to a person like you and I. MercyMe knew what was happening when they wrote this – and that is why it’s a powerful song. My point is that when I saw your comment I was amazed that these lyrics were starting me in the face because of those days in May and June of this year.
Thanks again for your note…
Mark
Mahhhk,
Stumbled across an incredible verse the other day. One you and I have, no doubt, read many times. Only this time — for me — it just popped. Philippians 1:8 … Paul writes to a small church he establshed around 50ish AD, on M2 journey through Macedonia. He needs to encourage these people whom he has come to love dearly. “I long for you all with the affection of Jesus Christ.”
It hit me like a ton of bricks, after I finished that sentence. The Holy Spirit was telling the Philippians (and you and me) that Messiah Jesus longs affectionately to be with us. Right now. Here. Not just later and there. This short exhortation from Paul (to us, essentially, in our day) is something to get excited about.
When we are longing affectionately for someone we love, we want to be with them all the time. That’ show our Savior feels about us! Isn’t that just amazing?