Blogging in B Minor

I have been in a holding pattern with chemotherapy for my third week now.  The symptoms I have been presenting since April 28th are just now starting to wane so I believe I am back in action soon which is a relief.  Even though I have finished the standard of care with regard to chemo which is 6 months post radiation w/concurrent chemo over 5 weeks after surgery, I am pushing for 12 cycles as has been recommended by my oncology team  As you know if you’ve been reading, I always obtain second opinions so I ran my case through the Department of Neuro-Oncology at UCSF and they concurred so I really don’t want to go through 3 full weeks off of the program.  There’s not much you can here however.  Being immuno-suppressed forces you to take some steps to ward off illness.  So, I will decide with my oncologist when to start up again.  I have some final tests to go through and perhaps need to wait a little longer to build up my strength a bit more and then it’s back to the program.  As a result of all of this we pushed the PET scan and MRI out another week or so.  I don’t have them scheduled just yet but pushing them made sense.

Everything else is going well.  I’m continuing with the soccer clinic that Aidan is enrolled in and although we couldn’t make it last week we will be going tonight and I’ll be out there with him.  It’s a great time for us and I won’t let this stop me from doing it.  It’s so much fun to see him out there and enjoying himself and to be so proud to have his dad there with him and participating.  I see some fathers there and they just sit on the sidelines and they are uninvolved and I feel bad for the children.  Then there are some who are going through the motions but just seem disconnected.  I think it’s so important to be out there to be engaged.  Kids are egocentric – the believe everything is about them.  If you aren’t involved, if you are stressed out at home or angry or yell, if you have an angry look on your face – kids think it’s because of them.  So I don’t sit on the sidelines – nor will I sit on the sidelines of life, especially now. 

I never really sat on the sidelines but there have been times in the past that I have been disconnected.  I think we have all had times like this.  I can remember a time when I first was diagnosed with my brain tumor and I was completely self-absorbed.  It was as if a tidal wave had just rolled over me.  If any of you grew up on the coast and body surfed or surfed, it’s like a 10′ wave crashing and even though you want to go through it and come up in the back, the white water pushes you down and you are tossed about for what feels like it will be forever.  I felt alone and completely disconnected from life and the world.  For me, this started in December of 2006 and I recall being told I needed a brain biopsy right off the bat – that was my most difficult time up until I had surgery in June 2007 and found out it was grade 3 oligoastrocytoma.  Then it was hard, again.  But I knew and I know that each time I face that wave that is going to crash upon me, I can now swim underneath and I have learned to come up the other side, not allowing it to hammer me and toss me about like it has before.  Now I don’t have to stand on the sidelines for any period of time unless I choose to do so.  I can be out on the field and participating.  I can be engaged – present – for myself, my family and for life.

On a side note, I have been selling a lot of copies of my CD lately, River of Faith - thank you!  As a result my stock has been running low.  I am in the process of getting more CDs pressed so if stock is depleted please be patient as a large run will be shipping to the distributor shortly.  Thank you so much for your support!  I am so humbled that so many of you are touched by my music enough that you’d like your own copy.

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