Blogging in B Minor

It’s time to get back to work.  Tuesday is the day!  I haven’t even seen this building (just like a year ago) for about 6 weeks but that’s a bit less than the 9 weeks I was out last time.   That’s mainly because I had chemo and radition to contend with last time.  However, I did finish the last 2 weeks of radiation while back at work 

I will just take it slow.  I still have physical therapy and the vaccine coming (more on that later this week).  I will also more than likely have chemo after the vaccine.  Regardless of my current situation, it’s time to get structure back in my life.  I’m climbing the walls but also clearly needed the time to recover.  As you’ve read, I’ve had plenty of issues to deal with so it’s been a productive recovery period.  The 911 issue just a week ago was a perfect example.   And sure, I could have issues, namely seizures to deal with but life can’t be perfect.  I have fears.  But I can’t wait for everything to line up just the way I’d like – no seizures for X number of weeks or stable MRIs for so long, waiting for the vaccine to start so I know all is well with my tolerance.  Sure, that would be nice but I also don’t think I can handle being home.  It has nothing to do with family.  It has to do with my need for structure, the satisfaction I get from my career and what I need to inject normalcy back into my life.

Lately – the last several days and since this 911 issue, I have really been down.  I have found myself in a state of being tired of fighting, tired of being positive all of the time.  Tired of praying, tired of trying to figure what is next.  Tired of searching for the right scripture in the Bible that will give me just the right words to make me feel ok.  I just sort of broke.  The diagnosis of a grade 4 tumor is hard.  Knowing that you have what many refer to as the “great white shark” of brain tumors is enough to break your spirit.  I have handled it pretty well – and I don’t say this out of conceit in the least.  However, I have had a hard time lately.  One surgery followed by chemo and radiation, followed by 8 months of chemo, 3 months of a “normal life” then bam, it’s grade 4.  Surgery #2.  Now a vaccine, then chemo.  My neurosurgeon says “Mark, you can absolutely endure at least 2-3 more surgeries and we can clean things out.” 

It makes you tired.  And you wonder – where is God in all of this??  Well, I know this is an earthly problem.  My body turned on itself.  A pastor from my church put it so well.  God, our Father would never wish this upon any of us, His children.  But he is doing what he can now.  But is is so very hard to see sometimes what He is doing.

So, I need to pick myself up from time to time.  This is a battle.  A big battle and not one I ever thought I would face.  Until you are in it, you can’t imagine what it’s like.  War.  So, I need to go back to the basics – faith, endurance, staying in today.  I can’t wander, for when I do I sink – and I sink deep and if I allow myself there is an abyss down there just waiting to pull me down.  I’ve seen it and I’m not ready to go there – my kids need me and so does my wife.  It’s been rough.  My work will help me.  My wife asked me yesterday if work was a magic bullet – of course she didn’t think it was but in many ways it is going to help me immensely and I said as much.  Structure is huge.

Ok, I’ve written enough and am tired.  Sorry for the downer post but this is the real deal and I’m not going to get on here all the time and act as if everything is just peachy and I’m perfectly ok.  Right now, things have been hard but I know tomorrow is another day and as my wife told me tonight, I will wake up tomorrow and will feel differently – and we will make the most of what we have – and can make the most of what we have.

 More soon…

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