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Quote of the Day:

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
- Buddha

Cancer Can Be a Gift?

Chemotherapy, Inspiration, Nutrition 2 Comments »

I hope everyone is fighting the good fight and pressing on!

As difficult as cancer can be in so many ways, its hard to see how anything positive can possibly be yielded by such a monster. But there are gifts, and I’ve written about those many times. Lately though, I’ve had a difficult time eating. Eating and ensuring I have enough fluids in my system so my kidneys are not working overtime is essential. If you are on Avastin your fluid intake must be increased significantly.

All of you, caregivers witnessing this aspect of treatment and those of you experiencing it, know the toll it can take on the body. I have felt weak, tired, and sometimes just tired of feeling tired! This cycle is hard. So what pulls us out of the vicious cycle? For me it has to be divine intervention (prayer/meditation) and trying to focus on what is good in life. How blessed we are and have been. I’ve written about simple gratitude lists. In the end, for me it can be as simple as that. It’s not about stuff, position, status, who you know, and the list goes on. We become much more acutely aware of what is truly important in our lives and more appreciative.

Second, I start digging for inspiration. I have to go into action even if its on my own. Other people can’t do it for you. It is vital to have support! But I also know that sometimes, even when I’m down I have to walk. So inspiration…

Case in point – I happened to remember a few inspirational discussions/speeches by the late, former White House Press Secretary Tony Snow. You may recall he battled colon cancer until his death in 2008.

I could not come remotely close to expressing in words what I’m going to share with you below when Chritianity Today approached him back in 2007. I think most of us have been through and shared many of the thoughts, questions and ideals that Tony describes but he laid it out so eloquently I had to share it.

This picked me up today. I hope you find it as inspirational as I do!
______

Blessings arrive in unexpected packages—in my case, cancer.

Those of us with potentially fatal diseases—and there are millions in America today—find ourselves in the odd position of coping with our mortality while trying to fathom God’s will. Although it would be the height of presumption to declare with confidence What It All Means, Scripture provides powerful hints and consolations.

The first is that we shouldn’t spend too much time trying to answer the why questions: Why me? Why must people suffer? Why can’t someone else get sick? We can’t answer such things, and the questions themselves often are designed more to express our anguish than to solicit an answer.

I don’t know why I have cancer, and I don’t much care. It is what it is—a plain and indisputable fact. Yet even while staring into a mirror darkly, great and stunning truths begin to take shape. Our maladies define a central feature of our existence: We are fallen. We are imperfect. Our bodies give out.

But despite this—because of it—God offers the possibility of salvation and grace. We don’t know how the narrative of our lives will end, but we get to choose how to use the interval between now and the moment we meet our Creator face-to-face.

Second, we need to get past the anxiety. The mere thought of dying can send adrenaline flooding through your system. A dizzy, unfocused panic seizes you. Your heart thumps; your head swims. You think of nothingness and swoon. You fear partings; you worry about the impact on family and friends. You fidget and get nowhere.

To regain footing, remember that we were born not into death, but into life—and that the journey continues after we have finished our days on this earth. We accept this on faith, but that faith is nourished by a conviction that stirs even within many nonbelieving hearts—an intuition that the gift of life, once given, cannot be taken away. Those who have been stricken enjoy the special privilege of being able to fight with their might, main, and faith to live—fully, richly, exuberantly—no matter how their days may be numbered.

Third, we can open our eyes and hearts. God relishes surprise. We want lives of simple, predictable ease—smooth, even trails as far as the eye can see—but God likes to go off-road. He provokes us with twists and turns. He places us in predicaments that seem to defy our endurance and comprehension—and yet don’t. By his love and grace, we persevere. The challenges that make our hearts leap and stomachs churn invariably strengthen our faith and grant measures of wisdom and joy we would not experience otherwise.

‘You Have Been Called’

Picture yourself in a hospital bed. The fog of anesthesia has begun to wear away. A doctor stands at your feet; a loved one holds your hand at the side. “It’s cancer,” the healer announces.

The natural reaction is to turn to God and ask him to serve as a cosmic Santa. “Dear God, make it all go away. Make everything simpler.” But another voice whispers: “You have been called.” Your quandary has drawn you closer to God, closer to those you love, closer to the issues that matter—and has dragged into insignificance the banal concerns that occupy our “normal time.”

There’s another kind of response, although usually short-lived—an inexplicable shudder of excitement, as if a clarifying moment of calamity has swept away everything trivial and tinny, and placed before us the challenge of important questions.

The moment you enter the Valley of the Shadow of Death, things change. You discover that Christianity is not something doughy, passive, pious, and soft. Faith may be the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. But it also draws you into a world shorn of fearful caution. The life of belief teems with thrills, boldness, danger, shocks, reversals, triumphs, and epiphanies. Think of Paul, traipsing though the known world and contemplating trips to what must have seemed the antipodes (Spain), shaking the dust from his sandals, worrying not about tomorrow, but only about the moment.

There’s nothing wilder than a life of humble virtue—for it is through selflessness and service that God wrings from our bodies and spirits the most we ever could give, the most we ever could offer, and the most we ever could do.

Finally, we can let love change everything. When Jesus was faced with the prospect of crucifixion, he grieved not for himself, but for us. He cried for Jerusalem before entering the holy city. From the Cross, he took on the cumulative burden of human sin and weakness, and begged for forgiveness on our behalf.

We get repeated chances to learn that life is not about us—that we acquire purpose and satisfaction by sharing in God’s love for others. Sickness gets us partway there. It reminds us of our limitations and dependence. But it also gives us a chance to serve the healthy. A minister friend of mine observes that people suffering grave afflictions often acquire the faith of two people, while loved ones accept the burden of two people’s worries and fears.

“Learning How to Live”

Most of us have watched friends as they drifted toward God’s arms not with resignation, but with peace and hope. In so doing, they have taught us not how to die, but how to live. They have emulated Christ by transmitting the power and authority of love.

I sat by my best friend’s bedside a few years ago as a wasting cancer took him away. He kept at his table a worn Bible and a 1928 edition of the Book of Common Prayer. A shattering grief disabled his family, many of his old friends, and at least one priest. Here was a humble and very good guy, someone who apologized when he winced with pain because he thought it made his guest uncomfortable. He retained his equanimity and good humor literally until his last conscious moment. “I’m going to try to beat [this cancer],” he told me several months before he died. “But if I don’t, I’ll see you on the other side.”

His gift was to remind everyone around him that even though God doesn’t promise us tomorrow, he does promise us eternity—filled with life and love we cannot comprehend—and that one can in the throes of sickness point the rest of us toward timeless truths that will help us weather future storms.

Through such trials, God bids us to choose: Do we believe, or do we not? Will we be bold enough to love, daring enough to serve, humble enough to submit, and strong enough to acknowledge our limitations? Can we surrender our concern in things that don’t matter so that we might devote our remaining days to things that do?

When our faith flags, He throws reminders in our way. Think of the prayer warriors in our midst. They change things, and those of us who have been on the receiving end of their petitions and intercessions know it.

It is hard to describe, but there are times when suddenly the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, and you feel a surge of the Spirit. Somehow you just know: Others have chosen, when talking to the Author of all creation, to lift us up—to speak of us!

This is love of a very special order. But so is the ability to sit back and appreciate the wonder of every created thing. The mere thought of death somehow makes every blessing vivid, every happiness more luminous and intense. We may not know how our contest with sickness will end, but we have felt the ineluctable touch of God.

What is man that Thou art mindful of him? We don’t know much, but we know this: No matter where we are, no matter what we do, no matter how bleak or frightening our prospects, each and every one of us, each and every day, lies in the same safe and impregnable place—in the hollow of God’s hand.

- Tony Snow

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Starting Temodar Chemo Tonight

Chemotherapy 3 Comments »

A quick update – heading downtown shortly for my first avastin infusion in about 6 weeks.  We waited until we finished the 6 weeks of vaccine injections.  Tonight I will start on temodar for 21 days straight then a 7 day break. Then I’ll go back on for 21 days and so on. 

Please pray that this treatment slows growth and that it doesn’t impact my immune system too much.  You might recall that I did 8 rounds in 2007 and finally came off because my WBC was too low and wouldn’t recover.  Strength in numbers.  I sincerely appreciate it!

A dear friend gave this to Rachael and I.  I wanted to share it with everyone.  A great reminder!


Are you passing through a testing.
Is your pillow wet with tears?
Do you wonder what the reason,
Why it seems God never hears?
 
Why it is you have no answer
To your oft-repeated plea,
Why the heaven still is leaden
As you wait on bended knee?
 
Do you wonder as you suffer,
Whether God does understand,
And if so, why He ignores you,
Fails to hold you in His Hand?
 
Do black doubts creep in, assail you,
Fears without, and fears within,
Till your brave heart almost falters
And gives way to deadly sin?
 
All God’s testings have a purpose-
Someday you will see the light.
All He asks is that you trust Him,
Walk by faith and not by sight.
 
Do not fear when doubts beset you,
Just remember-He is near;
He will never, never leave you,
He will always, always hear.
 
Faithful is He who has promised,
He will never let you fall,
Daily will the strength be given
Strength for each and strength for all.
 
He will gladly share pain with you,
He will gladly give you peace.
Till your tired and weary body
Finds its blessed, glad release.
 
When the darkened veil is lifted,
Then, dear heart, you’ll understand
Why it is you had to suffer,
Why you could not feel His hand
 
Giving strength when it was needed,
Giving power and peace within
Giving joy thru tears and trial,
Giving victory over sin.
 
So till then just keep on trusting,
Thru the sunshine and the rain,
Thru the tears and thru the heartaches,
Thru the smiles and thru the pain
 
Knowing that our Father watches,
Knowing daily strength He’ll give,
Victory for each passing hour,
This is life, so let us live!
 
- John E. Zoller

 

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Great Verse

Christianity No Comments »

Max Lucado’s writings are amazing. He is just real and down to earth. The following is a great example. This is an excerpt from a devotional called “Yea, Though I Walk Through The Valley of the Shadow of Death”

John 14:1-3

Don’t let your heart be troubled
Trust in God, and trust in me. There are many rooms in my Father’s house. I would not tell you this if it were not true. I am going there to prepare a room for you. After, I wiil come back and take you to be with me so that you may be wher I am.

What kind of statement is that? Trust me with your death. When you face the tomb, don’t be troubled! You get the impression that to God the grave is a no-brainer. He speaks as casually as the mechanic who says to a worried customer, “sure, the enginevneeds an overhaul, but don’t worry, I can do it.”. For us it’s an ordeal. For him it’s no big deal.

We must trust God. We must trust not only that He does what is best but that he knows what us ahead.

Good stuff

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Keegan Seems Inspired

Inspiration, My Story 2 Comments »

Because I’m home and Keegan is not in school quite yet, I have a lot of opportinities to more deeply discover his  funny and joyful personality.  He is really drawn into music which is cool.  This video is funny and at times he is so focused then he moves to excitement, much as the piece does.  This is the piece I posted a few days ago – Jon Schmidt and the cellist.

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Today is the Day

Christianity, My Story 1 Comment »

I sure need to remember this. The last four or five days I have allowed myself to stray from stable ground into the unknown and dangerous territory called tomorrow. In addition, and equally dangerous, I’ve been thinking about the past, most notably my job, “how it used to be” and other aspects of life before brain cancer.

I have written a lot about how difficult different points of this journey can be. Those of you on this plight know from your own experience. I knew that this juncture would be difficult (leaving my career and adjusting to home full-time) but I admittedly under-estimated just how difficult it would be to leave my career in the past, keep my feet firmly planted in today and make a smooth transition.

To give you a view of some of what’s going on and what I’m praying about, I just really mourn the fact that all the work to reach that certain “position in life” is over or has seemingly culminated – at least in the environment I have enjoyed for so many years. If we are to reach our goals, all of your drive, perseverence, goal-setting and ability to capitalize on opportunities must come into sync and so much more. Only then will we reach various milestones. Moving to Sacramento was a significant milestone for us. Being close to family being our first objective, securing a position that was perfect for me and being blessed with the lifestyle we have been able to enjoy has been amazing. We were blessed in Orange County but being in Sacramento w/family is all we wanted for the kids. About nine months after we moved was when I was diagnosed and we wondered why. We all wonder why, don’t we? And then I accepted it and faced it and thought “why not?”

I slipped back into it. Over the last three days I once again wondered why. This is old ground! Why on earth am I churning through this again? These are the trappings of yesterday. If you’ve read my posts, you know why I can’t work just as much as I do and the reasons that I’m doing this – my aim is 100% correct – God and my family all know this. Yes, I was passionate about my career and this is a huge adjustment for me but it’s the road that God has placed me upon. But leaving it behind is…..hard.

You see, I know that living in the past veils today. It’s akin to putting on one of those old movies that has lines and squiggles and out of focus scenes in it that blur today’s experiences. This such a difficult concept in practice. Yesterday holds many wonderful memories and also trials and adversity. They are what shape us and how God has planned our lives. Worrying about tomorrow chips away at my trust in God and also veils today but in a very different way. If I’m in a vulnerable place, worrying about things like finances, my children and their education, their financial future, all realistic given my circumstances – I have placed it on my shoulders, not in God’s capable hands . God’s big enough for all of this. Don’t get me wrong. There is a very human component here. For me there is nothing wrong with mourning or grieving my career that I am forced to walk away from because of my health. However, when I begin to lean into those feelings and they seem to overtake my day, that is when I know I have been knocked off-center. I’m sure the barometer is different for everyone.

So where does this take me? It takes me full circle back to today. Living in today because it’s the day He has made and it’s what we have. It’s all any of us have whether we have leukemia, brain tumors, or perfectly healthy lives. After praying a lot one verse stood out:

Romans 8:5 says: For those who live according to the flesh have their outlook shaped by the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit have their outlook shaped by the things of the Spirit

This is about faith, hope, strength and continuing to push the best I can. The disease may be beating me physically but it can never take who I am, what I have accomplished and will accomplish together with God and the undying love I have for my wife, children, family and friends. It will never do that and cannot ever do that – to any of us.

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Time

Christianity 3 Comments »

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. (Psalm 139:16)

How many days does anyone have left?? I don’t know and no one does, except God. As many of us have learned through the Bible, He knows the exact number of years, days, hours and seconds that we will be here on earth.

This may not seem like a very uplifting topic. In fact, most people find the topic frightening. As the brain tumor survivor, I have grown to adapt to this thought and find a lot of comfort in knowing that God has a perfect plan for me.  I will not die a day sooner or live a day longer than what has already been planned by him from the start.  In knowing this, I am relieved of the fear of death and I can fully live the life that God has planned for me. This does not mean it’s easy.  After all we are only human.  However, I can move through this trial with the One who is intimately involved in my life.

God knows me! He knows everything about me. He watches over me and my family and has proven time and time again this all to be true. Right now, we are cautiously discussing the notion of my not working so that I can spend time with my children and family — time that I might not have later at least in higher functioning state. This is not a situation where I’m being negative. This is a situation where I’m talking to God and looking to God to provide answers. My wife and I are praying and I’m seeing a pastor who are talking about it. At work, I have started discussing some options but not a serious level. This is for later. But, God always has an interesting way of communicating. My boss at work told me that he really thought that time with my family would be important. I agree with him it is only the timing of it is key. I love what I do and I garner significant satisfaction from my career. My oncologist and physical therapist both said the same thing yesterday. Then, this morning when I went outside to leave, my neighbor across the street mentioned that he saw me leaving a little bit later in the morning. I just told him I was slowing down just a little bit. He told me “don’t work too hard” and I said I know and he said again don’t work too hard. This is how it always happens. Certain cues present themselves in over a period of time they stack up one way or another this will all be sorted out and the answers will come.

In praying about surgery versus chemotherapy, we are beginning to feel that surgery is not the right direction. They hit we would take in terms of quality of life would be significant. Not only for me but for my wife and my family. I’m a pretty independent person and don’t like to be dependent on other people and this would change all of that if I’m a hemiplegic. So why not spend this time as a higher functioning father and husband. Anyway a lot more to pray about and this decision is down the road but it’s something that needs to be thought about giving my symptoms.

“Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand” (Psalm 139:6, NLT), but it won’t keep me from enjoying this day and praising the One who is in charge of it.

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Acceptance

My Story 2 Comments »

Do any of us want to accept this diagnosis?  I didn’t and there are still times, such as this period of being sick that I find hard to accept.  But if there are a few principles – a few truths that God has taught me through this so far they are: 

  1. I’m not in control.  My purpose in life isn’t and wasn’t defined by me.  I’m following a road that I have accepted – not accepting it would be like swimming upstream.  The fact is, I can’t change my circumstances other than the steps I am already taking, within my means.  This notion is tested, repeatedly sometimes, but it’s the approach and belief that is the cornerstone of the way I live today
  2. Family and a strong network is vitally important.  This diagnosis can create pain and strife in the home mainly due to the fact that everyone is trying to come to grips with the same reality.  I can’t know exactly what it’s like for my wife and vice versa to accept and walk through this new world.  The same applies to my family but at home, being sick like this is hard.  Rachael is so supportive picking up most everything.  For anyone, that network is vital.
  3. Stay in Today – This has really underscored the need to stay in today, positive or negative.   I felt this after my two surgeries but being in the hospital a few times plus this stay for 8 days, knowing each day what was happening was all I needed to look at.  Today.  And today wasn’t so bad.

I started this post a few days ago so I’m just getting back to it to finish.  My counts still aren’t up!  This is frustrating but at least I’m not sick – no fever, chills, etc.  My marrow just took a hit and it’s going to take a little bit more time to increase counts.  So, I have to be a bubble boy and just be very careful.   It’s sounds crazy – to me too – but this flu had the ability to evolve into meningitis and of course pneunomia.  Maybe I should wear a mask when I go to the lab - or maybe a WWII full on gas mask or a darth vadar helmet to really freak people out.  A darth vadar mask, hospital gown and a black cape.  Awesome.

CBC tomorrow and I will find out where my WBC and ANC are sitting.

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Kids Can Teach Us

Christianity No Comments »

I believe I forgot to mention this.  Our son Aidan’s class is sponsoring a child in Mexico who is in need.  So, all of the students are encouraged to bring in some money once a month – a dollar or so.  Aidan works for his allowance and he has a number of chores and positive behaviors that he focuses on to earn a weekly sum. 

About a week ago, one morning he came out and told me he wanted to give some money to his teacher for this child.  I said ok bud, what do you want to give?  Mind you he’s been saving for months and he’s accumulated about $90 at this point.  He looked at me and said “this”.  In his hand was a 10 dollar bill.  I smiled and said are you sure pal?  How about 2-3 dollars?  He said no.  I said “how about 5 dollars?”  No again.  He said he wanted to contribute (tithe) $10.00 because we have lots of things that he doesn’t.  For him, that was more than 10% of what he had saved over months.  It really made me think about things.  We send Aidan to private school but on top of that, I can’t say we tithe 10%.  Of course there are many other circumstances including our medical situation – but to see a child unselfishly give $10 to another child who he doesn’t know – only that he is in need was amazing and it really made me feel good.  He never once changed his mind nor regretted his decision afterward.

Aidan is a real inspiration…

aidanblog100709.jpg

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