Blogging in B Minor

I know my post last night was a downer.  I couldn’t sleep well last night and I often turn to music.  I am NOT much of an instrumentalist at all.  I’m a production guy.  I come up with a good piano groove, marry it with a drum groove, bass line, textures, strings and then write lyrics and come up with a melody and vocal that works. 

Last night I just needed to play.  This is just straight piano - 2 takes.  First take was just to play for a few minutes.  Second was just hitting the record button.  It’s repetitive and I’m not particulary fond of it but I’m calling it Under the Same Sky.  It’s four minutes.  As I played, I just thought about how all of our lives are so different but we all live amongst each other.  And even though we might feel unique, there is someone out there struggling with the same issue, somewhere.

Anyway, up since 3am.  Back to sleep. 

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Tags:  Music , My Music

I have been in a holding pattern with chemotherapy for my third week now.  The symptoms I have been presenting since April 28th are just now starting to wane so I believe I am back in action soon which is a relief.  Even though I have finished the standard of care with regard to chemo which is 6 months post radiation w/concurrent chemo over 5 weeks after surgery, I am pushing for 12 cycles as has been recommended by my oncology team  As you know if you’ve been reading, I always obtain second opinions so I ran my case through the Department of Neuro-Oncology at UCSF and they concurred so I really don’t want to go through 3 full weeks off of the program.  There’s not much you can here however.  Being immuno-suppressed forces you to take some steps to ward off illness.  So, I will decide with my oncologist when to start up again.  I have some final tests to go through and perhaps need to wait a little longer to build up my strength a bit more and then it’s back to the program.  As a result of all of this we pushed the PET scan and MRI out another week or so.  I don’t have them scheduled just yet but pushing them made sense.

Everything else is going well.  I’m continuing with the soccer clinic that Aidan is enrolled in and although we couldn’t make it last week we will be going tonight and I’ll be out there with him.  It’s a great time for us and I won’t let this stop me from doing it.  It’s so much fun to see him out there and enjoying himself and to be so proud to have his dad there with him and participating.  I see some fathers there and they just sit on the sidelines and they are uninvolved and I feel bad for the children.  Then there are some who are going through the motions but just seem disconnected.  I think it’s so important to be out there to be engaged.  Kids are egocentric - the believe everything is about them.  If you aren’t involved, if you are stressed out at home or angry or yell, if you have an angry look on your face - kids think it’s because of them.  So I don’t sit on the sidelines - nor will I sit on the sidelines of life, especially now. 

I never really sat on the sidelines but there have been times in the past that I have been disconnected.  I think we have all had times like this.  I can remember a time when I first was diagnosed with my brain tumor and I was completely self-absorbed.  It was as if a tidal wave had just rolled over me.  If any of you grew up on the coast and body surfed or surfed, it’s like a 10′ wave crashing and even though you want to go through it and come up in the back, the white water pushes you down and you are tossed about for what feels like it will be forever.  I felt alone and completely disconnected from life and the world.  For me, this started in December of 2006 and I recall being told I needed a brain biopsy right off the bat - that was my most difficult time up until I had surgery in June 2007 and found out it was grade 3 oligoastrocytoma.  Then it was hard, again.  But I knew and I know that each time I face that wave that is going to crash upon me, I can now swim underneath and I have learned to come up the other side, not allowing it to hammer me and toss me about like it has before.  Now I don’t have to stand on the sidelines for any period of time unless I choose to do so.  I can be out on the field and participating.  I can be engaged - present - for myself, my family and for life.

On a side note, I have been selling a lot of copies of my CD lately, River of Faith - thank you!  As a result my stock has been running low.  I am in the process of getting more CDs pressed so if stock is depleted please be patient as a large run will be shipping to the distributor shortly.  Thank you so much for your support!  I am so humbled that so many of you are touched by my music enough that you’d like your own copy.

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Tags:  Brain Tumor , chemotherapy , My Music , My Story

The North American Brain Tumor Coalition (NABTC) is an advocacy group dedicated to educating policy makers and lobbying for increased research into brain tumor treatments. The overarching strategy of the coalition is to improve the quality of life and overall prognosis of brain tumor patients.

I mentioned in a recent post that there are various ways I have found to “give back” and get involved. I have found that by giving back and getting involved it not only helps other people who are heading down the same road I have been walking but helps me tremendously. Likewise, I have found people who are further down the road than I and they help me. This fellowship is important and it applies to caregivers as well.

The ways in which I get involved have different ways of impacting me which of course makes total sense. Some of the relationships I have formed have been life changing. I have email-only relationships with people that I pray for and keep in touch with that are special to me. I have other contact with people that may be brief but significant. Obviously one of the ways I have been involved and tried to give is with this blog. Blogging about my journey, based on emails I have received, has given some people hope and strength. It also helps me tremendously. My album River of Faith, although a piece of songwriting about the beginnings of my journey/trial as a brain tumor survivor, has touched other people which humbles me. Volunteering and connecting with brain tumor survivors seeking support through the National Brain Tumor Foundation is another way I am involving myself.

I know that for all us - I mean ALL of us - brain tumor survivors and everyone touched by the diagnosis of a brain tumor, this is frightening. It’s a dark world in the beginning but people shine light over it. You are not alone and I feel that God has been with me through this and He’s in the middle of this. For me, he has placed me in this place for a reason and perhaps my testimony is being used to help others. Whatever the case, I’m involved. I took care and continue to take care of my business. God is #1, my family is #2 and everything else falls someplace down below that. I am my own advocate and you have to be. I did my research and continue to do my research as necessary. Am I missing things.? No doubt about it. However, I feel I have done a thorough job. I have enough binders of material full of my independent research and have read enough books to feel very well versed on the subject of primary brain tumors. My point is that once I got past the learning curve (which I crammed by the way because I was so fearful regarding my cognitive abilities and mental acuity after the surgery) I moved on. I wanted to be involved - which takes me to the NABTC.

This coalition is the only of its kind so far as I can tell. There are a number of ways to be involved. You can become an advocate which really requires the most effort but it boils down to how much you want to put into it - an understanding of the issues, writing letters and getting involved with your Representative and Senator to help shape health care and advocate brain tumor research funding. Or, you can just be informed - just understand and help by spreading the word - attend webcasts, sign up for the newsletters from the NABTC, etc. Advocacy is important in the world. For us, it started when we were diagnosed with a brain tumor. We all immediately had to start being our own advocate - striving for the best care medical science has to offer. Once you know that you have that and if you are in a position to do so, helping further the cause is a great way to help us collectively as well as future generations, children and adults alike, ultimately overcome this disease.

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Tags:  Blog , Brain Tumor , Brain Tumor Research , Brain Tumor Resources , brain tumor survivor , Christian Music , God , My Music , Resources (Brain Tumor) , songwriting

I receive a lot of emails every day from people - a lot of brain tumor survivors, family members, friends of survivors and of course from fellow musicians. Every once in awhile an email comes through that really grabs my attention. Today was one of those days. Several days ago I received an email from a woman who explained that her father has colon cancer and that he was going to be leaving on a trip to receive some specialized treatment. She said that she really liked my song River of Faith which is the title track of my CD and that she had searched the internet high and low for the lyrics. She continued by saying that her family was getting together to see him off that she wanted to make a family circle at this get together, play my song and give everyone there a copy of the lyrics to take with them - as a reminder to hold on to strength and hope. I sent her the lyrics and told her that my thoughts and prayers were firmly with her father and her family.

Today she sent me an email just to thank me and said that listening to the song really touched her and her family’s emotions. What an amazing compliment and how humbling indeed. As a songwriter, certainly this is what we strive - to connect with people through our music.  For me, this song was really something that came in the middle of my trial and was my way of keeping the faith - not swimming against it but letting it flow.  What I was happy to hear is that someone else was able to garner the same strength, hope and faith from the song as I did. Of all of the songs on my CD, this song has also enjoyed some radio success. For me, this song along with The Messenger and Angels of the Night are closest to me for my own reasons.

Many times in life it’s the little things that make life worth living.

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It’s been a bit more difficult to get to the blog with so much going on. Work has been really busy for me which is a good thing! I’ve been really busy - in fact, this is busier than things have been for quite a long while. I’m just about finished with a song. I know I have said this for awhile now! I have a few that are in the bag musically but I just didn’t feel it. I think I’ve talked about my digital graveyard before? It’s a place where songs go that just don’t seem to go anywhere. Sometimes they are just chord progressions and other times, as in two cases here, they were fully produced pieces with drums, bass, strings, guitars, grand piano, etc. etc. and I just didn’t feel like they were going anywhere for me. Perhaps it was going through treatment? It doesn’t exactly put you in a hugely creative mood, however, songwriting isn’t something you can force - either a song comes or it doesn’t.

Well, I do really like the sound and feel of the one I’m chipping away at now. The music is nearly finished so the grinding part will start with lyrics and vocals. For many songwriters and me included, it’s the hardest part. A songwriter once said “my favorite part of writing a song is the beginning and the end” and it’s so true! You are inspired in the beginning and once you are done it’s a great feeling to sit back and listen to a finished piece (providing you didn’t cut corners and slam it out), but the grind can be tough. Anyway, when it’s done I will post it here.

So I’m still dragging with fatigue. Seems that each week I come off chemo it takes 3-4 days to feel sort of normal again. It’s just the cumulative effect I think. Not much that can be done that I already am not doing with regard to diet, supplements and the like. I finished cycle 4 as of the end of this week (I’m off chemo this week which is the last week in this cycle) so I’ll begin cycle 5/6 on Monday. Once I get done with 6 I’ll have decisions to make. It will be a difficult proposition for sure. Many of the other drugs are as or even more harsh than Temodar - and discussion centers around adding one in addition to Temodar possibly. Of course one option going off of chemo completely and seeing where we go. Lots of options and we will deal with that when the day comes.

My next MRI is this coming Monday so I could use your prayers. So far, all of them have come back stable - praying for the same or better results here as well. I am tracking this serially every 60 days and my last MRI was at the beginning of December.

Our small group is going through a GREAT study right now on living the life you always dreamed of living. The book that we are reading is amazing. I was reading it last night and the author was telling a story about giving his kids a bath and how his daugther is just filled with joy for no reason at all - she’s a little kid and every moment of the day, for the most part, is joyous. He said that when she is filled with so much joy that words cannot express how much joy she feels, she just dances around in circles. They call it the dee dah day dance because she is so filled with joy that she has had a dee dah day. He goes on to say that one night he gave her a bath and when she got out of the bath she was doing this dance and he’s asking her to come over to dry her off and she’s laughing, dancing and he’s saying come over here - hurry, I need to get you dry - and he starts getting frustrated because she’s twirling, running away and doing this dance and finally with a more stern voice he says “please come over here, we need to hurry and I need to dry you off”. Then he said that she asked the most profound question: “Why?” The point he made and what struck me is that our lives are lived by timetables, when is the next meeting, where do we have to be, what is next, what happened last, etc. and as a result, we miss out on the joy of now. He said that after she asked that question, he got up and did the dee dah day dance with her and they just took their time. What a concept huh? For me, I have done this exact thing with my son in the bath - we need to hurry, it’s time for bed, gotta get out, blah blah blah.

Anyway, this is a great study for us. Again, I could use your prayers for Monday and by all means please continue to email any requests you have.

Best,

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Tags:  astrocytoma , Brain Tumor , brain tumor survivor , chemotherapy , Christian , Church , gadolinium , glioma , MRI , MRI enhancement , Music , My Music , My Story , oligoastrocytoma , Recording Studio , Resources (Christian) , songs , songwriting , Temodar , tumor

I have been meaning to add a page to the site called “storytellers” for quite some time. I received a number of emails from people who asked if I would be willing to tell the story behind each song that I wrote for River of Faith. I thought about this and thought it was a great idea and found it interesting that so many people were interested in the “back story”.  For anyone that has seen the VH1 show in the US called “Storytellers”, the concept is very much in that vein.

To that end, you’ll find a tab at the top of the site called Storytellers. I have written narrative that explains the story behind each track on the album and have embedded an mp3 player that will play the track below the narrative. I hope you find it interesting and thank you to those that sent me emails!

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Tags:  Christian , Christian Music , Music , My Music , My Story , songwriting

My debut album, “River of Faith”, is now officially released and available for purchase on cdbaby.com. There are a number of links here on the blog that speak to the significance of this album to me as a songwriter. You can read about this at the link above on cdbaby or find more detailed info here on the blog under the Album Review tab and in other posts.

If you purchase the album, please don’t forget to come back to the River of Faith page on cdbaby.com and write a review about the album. It is much appreciated.

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Tags:  Album , Music , My Music , songwriting

I met a really nice guy awhile back through email - Paul Gibbs. Paul is a Christian radio host and has a weekly radio show that airs on Sunday mornings on WHAZ 97.5 FM in the Albany, NY area. A separate version of the program airs on Saturday evenings on WNGN-FM.  Anyway, on Sunday’s show he had some really touching things to say about my current situation and also played the title track from “River of Faith”. I’d like
to
thank Paul
for sharing my
music with
his listenersI’d like to thank Paul for sharing my music with his listeners and for the thoughts and prayers. Thank you!

If you’d like to hear this part of the show it’s queued up in the player below so check it out:

Thanks again Paul.

CD AVAILABILITY: “River of Faith” will become available shortly - probably early next week. Check http://www.cdbaby.com/markmillercd/ next week and it should be ready to go. Otherwise, just perform a search until I can get buttons and so forth in place on the web site.

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In spite of what is happening with my impending surgery, I am continuing to move forward with the release of the River of Faith album. Yesterday I started the process of the release by sending a limited number of CDs to CDbaby.com where the official album page will be established and the album will go on sale. My wife and I have discussed this in terms of the disposition of proceeds from CD sales and we have decided that a percentage of sales will be tithed. It’s the right thing to do. This album as you may have read in other posts has been a significant source of strength and guidance throughout this trial in my life and it’s only appropriate that I give back. I’m still trying to determine what the web site address will be where the album will be available. I will add it here to the blog as well as on the home page if I can get it set up quick enough. Alternatively, you can check CDBaby.com in about a week and just do a search for Mark Miller River of Faith and find it just fine.

There will only be a limited number of CDs available initially but I will be replenishing stock sometime in July so please be patient if stock is consumed.

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Cheers,

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Tags:  Album , CDBaby.com , Music , My Music , songwriting

Well, after writing, recording, rewriting and working for the past 6 months I have decided to cut the album and have sent my final master off for some pre-production duplication comps that I can inspect before mass producing. I started the production of this album in mid-December, 2006 which was literally one week before I enterered into this difficult season of my life which, as you know by now, has led to the diagnosis of a primary brain tumor. All is ok as it’s surrendered to God but it’s been a tough ride! Now let’s get on to the good stuff…

You know, God has a plan for every one of us and I think it’s no mistake that I was completely mentally and creatively geared-up for this project when this all started. I was being prepared for what was coming and it was the plan all along - that I would have songwriting and this very project as a way to work through my feelings and fears. Likewise, it would be another conduit or lifeline to be used for consistent spiritual connection. It’s almost as if I was thrown a life vest not knowing why I even needed it - before anything happened. That’s what the River of Faith album from a songwriting standpoint has meant to me and will always mean to me. These songs were a source of hope and strength for me and I know God was working through my music to provide me with this when I needed it the most. And, somewhere through this process, perhaps my music can also offer hope and inspire faith in others who are facing trials in their own lives. I see nothing but positives here! As a result, He has given me some amazing inspiration and the material for the album has been some of my most inspired writing ever. For that I am truly grateful.

I will put up additional posts that will talk about the cuts on the album but for now just wanted to put up the design comps that I’m using for the album - these were sent to press along with the CD master.

CD Surface

CD Front Cover

CD Back Cover

A lot more to come as this moves forward…

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Tags:  Album , Music , My Music , Recording Studio , songwriting