Blogging in B Minor

I cant recall if I shared this before or not but this is simply a fusion of two great songs that change the genre, direction and potentially the audience of the originals.  This is what the freedom of music is about.  The feeling you get watching this is just how it feels when you are in a zone with a band or songwriting and something great begins to happen.  They really made this their own to say the least

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Quick note:  CDs are out of stock at the moment and are in the process of being restocked – should be by week’s end.

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One additional bit of information – and uplifting for me so the timing was great.  For those of you that follow the blog, you’ll recall that a fellow blog reader (and brain tumor survivor) became inspired by River of Faith and the site.  She is heavily involved in her church and handles the woman’s conference every year.

She decided to call the Women’s Conference in October of 2008 “A River of Faith” and wanted each woman attending the conference to have a copy of the CD and a lyric sheet for the song River of Faith.  We worked out a special run of CDs and just made it happen.

Anyway, she was kind enough to share the backstory with me in terms of how all of this came about and I wanted to share this with you.  When I see my music and journey as a brain tumor survivor helping people, it is so satisfying and just reinforces how God is using me.  I’m just an instrument in this whole plan.

Here are her words:

I had been having terrible headaches, dizziness, and problems with my legs. I felt like my knees were going to buckle as I felt like I was losing control. An MRI of my brain showed a problem with the Pons area. This is not something that can be fixed. The options are that it may stay stable and not change, or it could begin to flare up and grow. If that should happen, then life as I know it now will change.  At this point things are stable.

The day we went to the doctor’s office I grabbed hold of the door and as I did I heard ‘ Princess and the Pea ‘  - right then I knew that my problem was something hidden deep inside and nothing could be done. It was like God was saying ‘ this problem was as small as a pea, but you are a Princess of the King ‘.  After receiving the news, I went back to work, yes, that same day as my manager was not about to offer to work that last few hours of the day for me.  When I got home I had a short conversation with my husband and then I sat at the computer surfing the internet wondering what to do and wondering about the next woman’s conference.  The questions in my mind were ‘ would I be around for another conference? Is this going to grow fast ? ‘ etc…

I have no idea how I came across your web site. The only answer I have for that is that God Himself put your site in front of me. I listened to your music and your song ” River of Faith “  stood out in bold and I knew right away that this was to be the theme for the next conference and that the conference would be my last one. I’ve had some pretty dark times, but I believe this may have been the darkest as I sat there wondering what was to become of my family. Your music is a reminder that we all live on a river that has all kinds of turbulence, but God guides us and He’s there even if we feel lost. It’s those times we surrender all and He can speak to us and use us.

A number of ladies have told me how much they like your songs. The songs really minister to them and no matter what their situation, your songs have spoken what they have felt and has made them realize it’s ok and to keep trusting God, no matter what. Others have become closer to God – they are reading His words more and praying more. Still others are not as angry or blaming in a situation – they remember your songs and  thank God for being with them and guiding them.

I would like to thank this reader for sharing this with me.  The feedback always inspires me and adds just a little bit extra to keep everything going.

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I know my post last night was a downer.  I couldn’t sleep well last night and I often turn to music.  I am NOT much of an instrumentalist at all.  I’m a production guy.  I come up with a good piano groove, marry it with a drum groove, bass line, textures, strings and then write lyrics and come up with a melody and vocal that works. 

Last night I just needed to play.  This is just straight piano – 2 takes.  First take was just to play for a few minutes.  Second was just hitting the record button.  It’s repetitive and I’m not particulary fond of it but I’m calling it Under the Same Sky.  It’s four minutes.  As I played, I just thought about how all of our lives are so different but we all live amongst each other.  And even though we might feel unique, there is someone out there struggling with the same issue, somewhere.

Anyway, up since 3am.  Back to sleep. 

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I have been in a holding pattern with chemotherapy for my third week now.  The symptoms I have been presenting since April 28th are just now starting to wane so I believe I am back in action soon which is a relief.  Even though I have finished the standard of care with regard to chemo which is 6 months post radiation w/concurrent chemo over 5 weeks after surgery, I am pushing for 12 cycles as has been recommended by my oncology team  As you know if you’ve been reading, I always obtain second opinions so I ran my case through the Department of Neuro-Oncology at UCSF and they concurred so I really don’t want to go through 3 full weeks off of the program.  There’s not much you can here however.  Being immuno-suppressed forces you to take some steps to ward off illness.  So, I will decide with my oncologist when to start up again.  I have some final tests to go through and perhaps need to wait a little longer to build up my strength a bit more and then it’s back to the program.  As a result of all of this we pushed the PET scan and MRI out another week or so.  I don’t have them scheduled just yet but pushing them made sense.

Everything else is going well.  I’m continuing with the soccer clinic that Aidan is enrolled in and although we couldn’t make it last week we will be going tonight and I’ll be out there with him.  It’s a great time for us and I won’t let this stop me from doing it.  It’s so much fun to see him out there and enjoying himself and to be so proud to have his dad there with him and participating.  I see some fathers there and they just sit on the sidelines and they are uninvolved and I feel bad for the children.  Then there are some who are going through the motions but just seem disconnected.  I think it’s so important to be out there to be engaged.  Kids are egocentric – the believe everything is about them.  If you aren’t involved, if you are stressed out at home or angry or yell, if you have an angry look on your face – kids think it’s because of them.  So I don’t sit on the sidelines – nor will I sit on the sidelines of life, especially now. 

I never really sat on the sidelines but there have been times in the past that I have been disconnected.  I think we have all had times like this.  I can remember a time when I first was diagnosed with my brain tumor and I was completely self-absorbed.  It was as if a tidal wave had just rolled over me.  If any of you grew up on the coast and body surfed or surfed, it’s like a 10′ wave crashing and even though you want to go through it and come up in the back, the white water pushes you down and you are tossed about for what feels like it will be forever.  I felt alone and completely disconnected from life and the world.  For me, this started in December of 2006 and I recall being told I needed a brain biopsy right off the bat – that was my most difficult time up until I had surgery in June 2007 and found out it was grade 3 oligoastrocytoma.  Then it was hard, again.  But I knew and I know that each time I face that wave that is going to crash upon me, I can now swim underneath and I have learned to come up the other side, not allowing it to hammer me and toss me about like it has before.  Now I don’t have to stand on the sidelines for any period of time unless I choose to do so.  I can be out on the field and participating.  I can be engaged – present – for myself, my family and for life.

On a side note, I have been selling a lot of copies of my CD lately, River of Faith - thank you!  As a result my stock has been running low.  I am in the process of getting more CDs pressed so if stock is depleted please be patient as a large run will be shipping to the distributor shortly.  Thank you so much for your support!  I am so humbled that so many of you are touched by my music enough that you’d like your own copy.

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The North American Brain Tumor Coalition (NABTC) is an advocacy group dedicated to educating policy makers and lobbying for increased research into brain tumor treatments. The overarching strategy of the coalition is to improve the quality of life and overall prognosis of brain tumor patients.

I mentioned in a recent post that there are various ways I have found to “give back” and get involved. I have found that by giving back and getting involved it not only helps other people who are heading down the same road I have been walking but helps me tremendously. Likewise, I have found people who are further down the road than I and they help me. This fellowship is important and it applies to caregivers as well.

The ways in which I get involved have different ways of impacting me which of course makes total sense. Some of the relationships I have formed have been life changing. I have email-only relationships with people that I pray for and keep in touch with that are special to me. I have other contact with people that may be brief but significant. Obviously one of the ways I have been involved and tried to give is with this blog. Blogging about my journey, based on emails I have received, has given some people hope and strength. It also helps me tremendously. My album River of Faith, although a piece of songwriting about the beginnings of my journey/trial as a brain tumor survivor, has touched other people which humbles me. Volunteering and connecting with brain tumor survivors seeking support through the National Brain Tumor Foundation is another way I am involving myself.

I know that for all us – I mean ALL of us – brain tumor survivors and everyone touched by the diagnosis of a brain tumor, this is frightening. It’s a dark world in the beginning but people shine light over it. You are not alone and I feel that God has been with me through this and He’s in the middle of this. For me, he has placed me in this place for a reason and perhaps my testimony is being used to help others. Whatever the case, I’m involved. I took care and continue to take care of my business. God is #1, my family is #2 and everything else falls someplace down below that. I am my own advocate and you have to be. I did my research and continue to do my research as necessary. Am I missing things.? No doubt about it. However, I feel I have done a thorough job. I have enough binders of material full of my independent research and have read enough books to feel very well versed on the subject of primary brain tumors. My point is that once I got past the learning curve (which I crammed by the way because I was so fearful regarding my cognitive abilities and mental acuity after the surgery) I moved on. I wanted to be involved – which takes me to the NABTC.

This coalition is the only of its kind so far as I can tell. There are a number of ways to be involved. You can become an advocate which really requires the most effort but it boils down to how much you want to put into it – an understanding of the issues, writing letters and getting involved with your Representative and Senator to help shape health care and advocate brain tumor research funding. Or, you can just be informed – just understand and help by spreading the word – attend webcasts, sign up for the newsletters from the NABTC, etc. Advocacy is important in the world. For us, it started when we were diagnosed with a brain tumor. We all immediately had to start being our own advocate – striving for the best care medical science has to offer. Once you know that you have that and if you are in a position to do so, helping further the cause is a great way to help us collectively as well as future generations, children and adults alike, ultimately overcome this disease.

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I receive a lot of emails every day from people – a lot of brain tumor survivors, family members, friends of survivors and of course from fellow musicians. Every once in awhile an email comes through that really grabs my attention. Today was one of those days. Several days ago I received an email from a woman who explained that her father has colon cancer and that he was going to be leaving on a trip to receive some specialized treatment. She said that she really liked my song River of Faith which is the title track of my CD and that she had searched the internet high and low for the lyrics. She continued by saying that her family was getting together to see him off that she wanted to make a family circle at this get together, play my song and give everyone there a copy of the lyrics to take with them – as a reminder to hold on to strength and hope. I sent her the lyrics and told her that my thoughts and prayers were firmly with her father and her family.

Today she sent me an email just to thank me and said that listening to the song really touched her and her family’s emotions. What an amazing compliment and how humbling indeed. As a songwriter, certainly this is what we strive – to connect with people through our music.  For me, this song was really something that came in the middle of my trial and was my way of keeping the faith – not swimming against it but letting it flow.  What I was happy to hear is that someone else was able to garner the same strength, hope and faith from the song as I did. Of all of the songs on my CD, this song has also enjoyed some radio success. For me, this song along with The Messenger and Angels of the Night are closest to me for my own reasons.

Many times in life it’s the little things that make life worth living.

Site Search Tags: christian music, faith, inspiration, lyrics, music, my music, radio, songwriting

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It’s been a bit more difficult to get to the blog with so much going on. Work has been really busy for me which is a good thing! I’ve been really busy – in fact, this is busier than things have been for quite a long while. I’m just about finished with a song. I know I have said this for awhile now! I have a few that are in the bag musically but I just didn’t feel it. I think I’ve talked about my digital graveyard before? It’s a place where songs go that just don’t seem to go anywhere. Sometimes they are just chord progressions and other times, as in two cases here, they were fully produced pieces with drums, bass, strings, guitars, grand piano, etc. etc. and I just didn’t feel like they were going anywhere for me. Perhaps it was going through treatment? It doesn’t exactly put you in a hugely creative mood, however, songwriting isn’t something you can force – either a song comes or it doesn’t.

Well, I do really like the sound and feel of the one I’m chipping away at now. The music is nearly finished so the grinding part will start with lyrics and vocals. For many songwriters and me included, it’s the hardest part. A songwriter once said “my favorite part of writing a song is the beginning and the end” and it’s so true! You are inspired in the beginning and once you are done it’s a great feeling to sit back and listen to a finished piece (providing you didn’t cut corners and slam it out), but the grind can be tough. Anyway, when it’s done I will post it here.

So I’m still dragging with fatigue. Seems that each week I come off chemo it takes 3-4 days to feel sort of normal again. It’s just the cumulative effect I think. Not much that can be done that I already am not doing with regard to diet, supplements and the like. I finished cycle 4 as of the end of this week (I’m off chemo this week which is the last week in this cycle) so I’ll begin cycle 5/6 on Monday. Once I get done with 6 I’ll have decisions to make. It will be a difficult proposition for sure. Many of the other drugs are as or even more harsh than Temodar – and discussion centers around adding one in addition to Temodar possibly. Of course one option going off of chemo completely and seeing where we go. Lots of options and we will deal with that when the day comes.

My next MRI is this coming Monday so I could use your prayers. So far, all of them have come back stable – praying for the same or better results here as well. I am tracking this serially every 60 days and my last MRI was at the beginning of December.

Our small group is going through a GREAT study right now on living the life you always dreamed of living. The book that we are reading is amazing. I was reading it last night and the author was telling a story about giving his kids a bath and how his daugther is just filled with joy for no reason at all – she’s a little kid and every moment of the day, for the most part, is joyous. He said that when she is filled with so much joy that words cannot express how much joy she feels, she just dances around in circles. They call it the dee dah day dance because she is so filled with joy that she has had a dee dah day. He goes on to say that one night he gave her a bath and when she got out of the bath she was doing this dance and he’s asking her to come over to dry her off and she’s laughing, dancing and he’s saying come over here – hurry, I need to get you dry – and he starts getting frustrated because she’s twirling, running away and doing this dance and finally with a more stern voice he says “please come over here, we need to hurry and I need to dry you off”. Then he said that she asked the most profound question: “Why?” The point he made and what struck me is that our lives are lived by timetables, when is the next meeting, where do we have to be, what is next, what happened last, etc. and as a result, we miss out on the joy of now. He said that after she asked that question, he got up and did the dee dah day dance with her and they just took their time. What a concept huh? For me, I have done this exact thing with my son in the bath – we need to hurry, it’s time for bed, gotta get out, blah blah blah.

Anyway, this is a great study for us. Again, I could use your prayers for Monday and by all means please continue to email any requests you have.

Best,

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